The Great Yarn Embargo of 2008-09 (work)

I can't buy yarn until the summer of 2009.

Well, after I get two more skeins of Cascade 220 for a needle holder I am working on and three make-up skeins for a sweater in my pattern queue, I can't buy yarn until summer of 2009. So I spent the late summer and early fall of 2008 building up my stash, like a squirrel storing nuts.

What's up with the self denial?

Today was supposed to be my first day back from maternity leave. I took three months off under FMLA, and it's over. Finn came home on August 11. It's now November. My how time flies. Fortunately, I have been at my present employer for many years, so I have loads of sick time, which I was able to use when my two weeks of paid time ran out.

Thing is, one of the biggest things no one ever told me in the hospital was that our lives would never be the same again. Sure, sure, it's never the same when you have a baby, but when you have a preemie, everything is different. Remember that goal of not attaching yourself to a future that, in the end, you cannot control? This was a big attachment.

No one told us, during the two and a half months that Finn was in the hospital, that he could not go to daycare for his first winter; that he really should not go to daycare for his first year. The neonatalogists never said anything. The nurses never said anything. The social worker never said anything. Of course, "Sally the Socialworker" (seriously) was not really a useful resource for me, being more of a "How are you feeling?" type of person rather than a helpful, real-life, this-is-what-is-going-to-happen-so-you-had-better-be-prepared type of person. I know that the hospital experience is overwhelming, but it's my opinion that, once your baby is deemed stable and his or her chances of survival are pretty good, someone should sit you down and say "Your life, your plans, everything you thought was going to happen for the next year: you need to forget them."

I did not find this out until I spoke to another mom of a preemie. I confirmed it later with Finn's pediatrician, who said that she "strongly preferred" that Finn not be placed in a day care setting if at all possible. All those colds and infections that kids come down with could put a preemie back into the hospital or worse.

So here we are, facing a one income six months. Luckily for me, we can probably do it. We managed to save some money over the past few months, but I hope that we don't have to break into it. Even luckier for me, my work is very accommodating and understanding, and they are giving me a leave of absence, so I can come back in early June. Though I am going to try to work out coming back on a part time basis for the budget planning that usually starts in February. It's possible, then, that we will have some small income from me, and I am still uncertain as to whether or not any more of my sick or vacation time can be applied to at least part of the next few months. I certainly need to keep my benefits, and Finn's, and if I need to pay the entire cost of them, it may indeed be more difficult for us.

I don't know what others do, when they are not so lucky.

This means we have longer to figure out where Finn will go once I go back to work, and it means no more new yarn. Of course, there will be other sacrifices--ones that are not as silly and frivolous as yarn--but it's just an obvious luxury that I can cut out. That means no new patterns. If I don't already have the yarn, then too bad. It's straight back into the queue and behave yourself like the pretty little thing you are, and don't come out until you have something appropriate to wear.

In a way, this is a blessing. We are fortunate in that we can afford to do this with some hopefully minor changes, and I get to spend Finn's first year with him. It was a choice I never would have made because I would not have felt that it was possible, but it's something I am going to appreciate. Thinking about going back to work on this day makes my throat constrict. I don't think I could handle it, emotionally, and it makes me all the more grateful for our lives. I know women who only had six weeks or eight before they returned to work, and I know that many women can't even afford that. Hopefully, over the next six months, we can find a happy situation for Finn, and I can keep my toe in the work water so that June is not such a shock when I find myself back in meetings and inside a cubicle.

Without a baby hanging off my... arm.