2 Steps

When last we checked in on Finn James, he was off the O2, 1910 grams, and getting ready to transfer to Special Care.

Today, he's back on the low flow, 2050 grams, and in a holding pattern at the NICU.

It's the rollercoaster, and we were expecting it. I would have been surprised had he not gone back on the 02. Finn's thing is apnea. (My thing is Malabrigo Worsted.) He doesn't have a murmur, he doesn't have bowel trouble. He just needs to grow out of his spells.

It's a lesson in zen, really. While I would not have chosen this and was, in fact, planning for quite the opposite, I feel that we are fortunate. Had I been too attached to my birth plan and the activities of my last three months of pregnancy as well as our child's homecoming, I can see how this would be rather devastating. But attaching oneself to events in the future over which you have no control is not the best way to maintain sanity. It's good to be prepared and have a plan, but it is probably not the best idea to fall in love with that plan and then focus on it above all. Things change, and sometimes, they change fast.

While I miss Finn more every day that he grows and engages with the world, the main point of this is his well being, not my emotional health or my desire to have him home. He's making the choices as to what he can handle and what he needs, and the signs are pretty easy to read. He needs a little boost of flow to help him remember to breathe, he needs the caffeine for stimulation, and he needs more human attention. So the grown ups around him make adjustments.
I would not call this two steps back. At the same time they were putting his cannula back in, they were taking him out of the isolette and putting him into a warmer. At the same time they postponed his transfer to a step down unit, we are talking about moving to breastfeeding at 35 weeks. He may need to come home on a monitor, but he may come home before his due date.

In the meantime, what we have with him are longer cuddles, nuzzling, extended visits, and knit goods that are making him the envy of all the babies in his room.
We are moving ahead, and we will have a baby in the house--when he's ready. In the meantime, we are cleaning out and cleaning up and bringing home the stuff he will need when he gets there.