Thursday, December 1, 2011


I probably don't need to write anything more.

But maybe you don't have a child in the 3's.

Did you realize that you were not supposed to come out on the porch to greet your returning family because your offspring wanted to knock on the door?

Let the puddle of wailing child tell you just how wrong you were.

Was it not clear to you that you were not supposed to come down the escalator until your adorable scrumpy muffinhead, who was in a location unknown to you, was able to view said descent?

Witness Exhibit B: Crumply Tears.

So sorry that you did not receive the memo that from now on, all movements of Thing A to Spot B must be cleared, previous to movement, by the Apple of Your Eye; any process involving more than two steps must be explained, before execution, to the Fruit of Your Loins in case he or she wishes to have input or personally execute any of the steps him- or herself.

Failure to do either of the above will result in one of the following:

a) an immediate contraction of all core and facial muscles, accompanied by piercing cries, resulting in a ball of blinding, white-hot despair that threatens to consume all joy in the universe

b) an immediate expansion of the spine accompanied by rigid extremities, thrown-back head*, and pitch to floor or ground, perhaps involving a last minute face-down flip with hands covering weeping ocular area**

On some rare occasions, the result could instead be throwing of whatever item can be reached or thumps on the face or chest from the small, angry homo sapien you so thoughtlessly created. Usually, however, the emotion is disappointment/lossofallfaithintheworld and does not involve violence.

Reading this blog post constitues your consent to the above.

You have been warned.

*(and, of course, piercing cries)
**(also threatening to obliterate joy)