Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Remember when I had a question about crib bumpers? Well, I was worried that he might spontaneously suffocate if I put them onto his crib. I still don't have crib bumpers, though daddywhumpus did point out to me that The Boy hit his head "at least five times" a few nights ago. We looked at bumpers at hideous Babies-R-Us (why don't they just drop the pretense and make it "Babeez" already?), and they are usually part of big sets, which are expensive and cloying. And I still don't want to get them. I don't REALLY think he will spontaneously suffocate, I just don't want to get them.

As I was searching for alternatives, I found these. I think they are called "Wonder Bumpers," if I remember correctly, not to be confused with "Wonder Bra," I hope. And they might work/might not, but they could be good for someone else's baby. I think mine's past this point:

Then the fun really began. While poking around on this site, I ran across numerous other safety items, and rather than write an H1N1 vaccine hysteria post, I'll write about these.

Item number one:

You read that right: home alcohol screening for breast milk. So that no one issues you a BUI (NUI, depending upon the state). Now, not to make light of the alcohol/breastfeeding issue, but a home test? It sounds more like a party trick to me. I am guessing if you have these, you are not one of the numerous people who recommend whiskey for babies.

A shopping cart condom?
Are we raising generations of immune system deficient humanoids? Don't people already lug around enough/too much baby crap? Seriously, your child is going to get germs into its slobbery little gob, there's no way around it. Oh, and in case this is about protecting the noggin, it's going to crack it's head plenty, too.

This next one kicks it, if only for the visual factor. I have often had Finn in a public restroom with me, and no, I don't put him on the floor. I have perfected the ability to pee while holding him. When I write "perfected," I mean "I manage not to pee all over myself and get my pants up and fastened afterward."

Can you imagine your reaction if you walked into a public restroom and saw this?

I would think: hey, is that a dispenser? Like a quarter for a tampon? And if you really have to go, how much fun will it be to strap the kiddo into that thing? And how tempting would it be to use that elsewhere, like, not in public restrooms? Where's the kid? "Over there." (Point to child hanging from top of closet door, while trying not to spill glass of wine.)

It's an age-old question: how did we ever survive childhood without all these new-fangled safety devices we have now? Heck, how has the species survived?

1 comment:

kateohkatie said...

Oh man, that Baby Suspension Device had me rolling.

I maintain, ALL you need to get through a (healthy) infant's first year of life is one working boob, a stack of diapers & cloth wipes, clothes, maybe a carseat (if you drive), and a sling. Anything else is just extra.