Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bed-time Story Review: Ten Little Teddy Bears

This is a turgid morality tale with a wholly unfeasible ending.

It is short, so I am going to include the entire story here.
See if you can get to sleep after this gruesome story wends its way into your psyche.

In "Jane Eyre," the Rev. Brocklehurst gives young Jane a pamphlet in which sinful young children meet their deserved ends. It's very Victorian.

This is similar.

With teddy bears.

Let's begin.
Can you read it?
"TEN little teddy bears/Think flying is their line./One flies off for evermore--/Then there are NINE"

I get it. I do. Teddy bears are cute, and now we are using them to learn our numbers.

But notice how all the bears sort of blur off into the distance? That's the scanner interpreting the story for you.

We are one bear down. He was apparently kidnapped by a random, Furry-obsessed aviator. He's gone, for evermore, Mr. Raven.

KATE should have known better than to get involved in a BOYS' GAME.

Two down.

Eight's demise is witnessed by children, thus doubling both his trauma and theirs.

Number 7 gets eaten by a freaking fish. What is UP with FISH?
Is this a Jesus thing?
Was this a Bad Little Teddy Bear?

In any case, I am starting to feel bad about reading this to my baby.

Swallowed by a fish.

Six left. Bad little teddy bears.

Ah. Here we are. Previously, our little bears have been "little," "jolly," "travelling," and "paddling," but now, it's time to PAY:

Greedy. They are licking and tasting the goods (hey, is this a KIDS' book?), and one is dragged away--just one--to an undetermined fate.

And now, the bears are foolish. Apparently, after you go below a critical mass of teddy bears, that's it. It's The Four Horsemen. The Seven Deadly Sins. It's All She Wrote:

All that is left is abduction by horrifying human girl children:

Car crashes:

And being eaten by monkeys:

And, aside from "whose freaking teddy bears are they anyway?" and "Why are they out unsupervised?" this is where I don't buy it. If kids are paying attention, they should be quite worried about the state of the previous bears, but WAIT! The White Guy has arrived to Save The Day:

Everyone is safe and well, no matter what the book said before.

So this is just some sort of crappy heaven metaphor?

Oh for crying out loud.

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