Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Back Where I Started

It was strange to stand at the bus stop, looking back at my house. The air was cool, the snow was gone, and there I was, like nothing had ever happened. It had been 11 months since I last stood in that spot. I was pregnant, it was fully spring, and everything was different. I felt a touch of melancholy and apprehension as I waited. How will the boy do all day without me? How will I do? What will it be like? Will I be able to keep up with his bottle drinking? Will this be worth it?

Because if it were a perfect world, I would not have to return to work, and money would not be an issue. Then again, if it were a perfect world, Pete would not have to work, either, and we could be a little art commune in the middle of the city.

It's not a perfect world.

Before I ever had kids, before I met Pete, during my first marriage, I thought that I would never be able to stand staying home with a kid, but I wanted someone to stay home with the kid. I thought that I would not have the patience. I am stubborn and impatient and resistant to change.

Turns out, I would rather be at home. It's definitely hard, and it's a lot of work, but it's worth it. Having this time at home with Finn has been great for both of us, and it's not like I have an actual "career" to drive me. I have a great situation, don't get me wrong, and if I did not, and I did not like the people I work with so much, it definitely would not be worth it.

But I have found, after all of one day and part of another, that although I miss the baby, and I think about him all the time, I am not feeling crazy or sad. My worries are about he and Dad having a good day, that Finn does not feel too upset. I am not concerned about myself so much. I am a grown up who has plenty of resources for adaptation. It will probably be harder to leave him in a daycare when that happens. Right now, he is at his home, with his Papa, so he's in familiar and secure surroundings. And, so am I, really. Three days a week is not so bad. It's four days in a row at home with him, and that's more than a lot of people get.

It was really weird to stand on that corner, though.

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