I just went through a salad bar behind a monk. A monk. Black robe to the floor, rope belt, and all. I am on a ecumenical college campus for a secular training, and I am thinking about self, truth, and space.
I started this blog as a space for me as I moved into what was uncharted territory. Pregnancy, birth, and child care are not new, of course, but they were and are new to me. I figured it would be a good place for me to tell my truth of what it's like to go through this. It could be my own little therapy experience, as actual therapy is anathema to me. Secondly, I thought that my truths might resonate with some other woman out there who is going through the same or similar things. Or perhaps, I could wade through all the dreck of an issue, come to a conclusion, and save someone else a lot of work. Finally, it could be a portal for family and friends to see into our lives because once there's a baby, everyone wants a part of you. A different part.
When I started writing, only a select few people knew about it because only a select few people knew about the blastocyst that became an embryo. I knew who was reading, and I knew that I did not have to worry about what I said. I could say pretty much anything. As more and more people knew, and finally, pretty much everyone knew, I started to feel constraints on my narrative. My audience was bending my arc of history, sometimes in a stifling way. Once that audience broadened, my public narrative narrowed and became, consequently, less interesting. At least to me.
Truth and space. This space has become less about truth and more about "what's the baby doing now." Blah. Blah blah blah. Babies are everywhere. They are not that interesting unless they are your own. Sometimes they are not even that interesting to us.
Not that truth is something that must blanket everything we touch; there are times and places. When it comes to truth and self, as they intersect with space, truth is inevitably shaped. It's how life works. It's part of keeping society together. None of us ever gets to be 100% ourselves 100% of the time. It's not appropriate. We all have something that we keep to ourselves, and that thing or things change with the space are in. Everybody's got something. It's something to remember and consider. If you know who you are, you know that no one else can change that. If you know who you are, you don't need to impose yourself on others. You can just be.
I don't expect to suddenly burst out of the shell that this space and my reaction to it have created, and totally change the rules, but it could be that it's not as nice sometimes, or I stop censoring myself as much. I need to stop thinking of this as a baby update because that's not how it started; it was not my intention.
It's motherhood, and all bets are off.