Every once in a while, I hit a wall. Things build up, whether it's lack of sleep, too much to do, or stresses beyond my control. Usually, it's a convergence of all those elements, and I lose it a little bit.
Last night was one of those times, and today I am trying to figure out what to do about it.
The Boy has been thrashy and fussy the past few nights, and we have not been sleeping well. I don't know what it is, it could be many things from teething to my hormones, but since he can't tell me, guessing won't do much good. This along with work, day care shuttling issues, a messy house, an overgrown garden, a yard sale coming up, and an almost total lack of a social life, let alone any time to myself (that is not related to getting something done) came crashing down on me. Pete had rehearsal, and he was not back yet. It was nearing 10:00. I started to feel resentful about being a mother. Yes, it happens, and it's real. And the conversation in my head was maddening. By the time Pete arrived home, Finn was settled down, but I was still feeling upset.
Pete gets to rehearse and play gigs. He gets loads of time away from the house, away from the baby, doing something he loves to do. His perspective, when it's time to take Finn, is that he "gets to" spend time with the boy. "We play and hang out," he says.
My perspective is that I have to.
That is not to say that I don't enjoy my time with my son or that I am unaware of how much I will miss this baby when he is grown. It's to say that there is less of an element of choice in my life than there is for Pete, and that sucks sometimes.
Pete's suggestions are that we set Finn up in his own room, in his own crib, and let him "fuss." Also, he suggests that I schedule time out of the house, away from the baby. A co-worker who is also a mother says I have to let him cry it out, there's no other choice.
OK. Really? That's it? Own crib/cry it out?
Pete is probably right about the scheduling time out of the house thing, but with him rehearsing once a week and gigging perhaps twice a week, we have no time at home in the evening together, and that would suck, too. Also, if I am out of the house, I need to leave part of me behind in the form of milk, and we don't have backstock anymore.
It's just not as simple as "I'm going over to Kira's now. See ya bye." Because when I get home, I have to take over anyway because of our night-time routine.
Which is, when Finn starts to get eye-rubby (or I do), we go to bed, and he nurses to sleep. I read. He wakes me up over the course of the night to nurse. We get up between 6:00 and 7:00 in the morning. Sometimes, I don't want to go to bed at 9:00. Sometimes, he doesn't.
There's not much time between getting home from work, sometimes as late as 6:30, and bedtime. Not much time for getting out of the house, let alone cooking dinner.
So here I am.
I don't think I want to set Finn up in his own room, but I would probably be OK with his own crib. I am not OK with letting him scream. Everyone can say what they want about that, but it does not feel right to me, for me, and I don't want to do it. If that means I am feeling like this, off and on, until he is weaned, so be it. Like I said, this is cyclical. I don't feel like this all the time.